Setting boundaries for your child

You can help your child to understand what behaviours are acceptable by providing them with boundaries. Setting rules on behaviour is a challenging but important aspect of parenting.

By setting limits, you give your child clear guidelines and expectations which will help develop their knowledge of structure and security.

Below are some top tips to help you to set boundaries and guide your child.

Be consistent

You may find yourself setting boundaries that suit your mood or energy levels. This can be confusing to a child if you treat their behaviour as funny one day, then tell them off for the same behaviour the next. Decide what you will and won’t accept. Stick to that, regardless of how tired you are.

See things eye to eye

Ask your child to look directly at you while you are speaking to each other. This will make sure you have their full attention. It also teaches them how to listen in a respectful way. Your child will learn how to listen by following the example you set.

Be patient

Small children may need lots of friendly reminders and a few tries before they master the rules. Try not to shout or speak in an irritated way, as this may set an example you don’t want. Try not to do things you wouldn’t want your child to do.

Use positive language

Tell your child what you want them to do, rather than don’t want them to do. An example could be “Please walk,” instead of “Don’t run.”

Offer choices if you can

You can encourage your child to do something you want by offering choices, like “Would you like to hold my hand or the pushchair as we cross the road?” or “Would you like to take your book or dolly on the walk to school?” Unless their choices put themselves (or other people) at risk, try and let them lead.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes

Show your child you understand how they feel, especially if they are upset or cross. Saying “I can see you are upset that it is bedtime,” or “You look sad that your friend has to go home,” can help them to identify their feelings and self-reflect. Describing your feelings also gives great opportunities to find a solution to help your child feel better.

Provide short explanations

Smaller children only need short explanations, such as “Please hold the handrail, so you don’t fall and hurt yourself.” This can help them understand why you have set the boundary, and they may be more inclined to stick to it.

Turn requests into a game

If you are finding that your requests are becoming a bit of a battle, think of a fun way to get your child onboard. You can take the heat out of a situation with games such as putting toys away the quickest, who can do the fewest jumps to the bathroom, or who can think of three things that make a squeak sound as they brush their teeth.

Avoid empty threats

If you ask your child to do something and they refuse, don’t be afraid to follow through with the consequence. Part of a child’s development is pushing the limits, in an attempt to gain independence. Following through can be especially hard if you know your child may have a tantrum or be upset. Hold on to the fact that they will benefit from boundaries in the longer term.

Regularly reward good behaviour

Praise your child whenever possible. Say how pleased you are when they take turns, share their toys, or eat nicely at the table. You don’t need to wait until they do as you ask to tell them how proud you are.

Further advice

Visit the NHS website for further guidance on dealing with child behaviour problems.