Dealing with tantrums

Tantrums are a very normal way for your child to tell you that they have an intense emotion, which they are finding unmanageable.

They are common in children between ages of 2 to 4 years, although older children may also have them. They can present themselves in different ways. These include screaming, shouting, kicking, stiffening, hurting themselves and breaking things.

Tantrums can be more common in children who are more sensitive, or have a fiery temperament. They can also be more easily triggered when your child is tired, hungry or feeling ill.

No matter how trivial the reason for the tantrum may seem to you, it is a very real feeling for them.

As a parent, you can help your child manage their feelings in a more positive way, by staying calm and using reassuring words and tones. Over time, your child will get better at self-regulating, and you will see fewer tantrums as a result.

Here are some ways in which you can help reduce the frequency of tantrums.

Help your child understand their feelings

Regardless of how old your child is, start to name the emotions showing through their behaviours. For example: “I can see you getting cross because you can’t open the box,” or “I can see you’re angry that I have said no to the toy you wanted.”

Be consistent

It can be easy to get caught in a trap of setting boundaries that suit our mood or energy levels. But it’s confusing to a child if we treat their behaviour as funny one day, then tell them off for the same behaviour the next. Tantrums are more likely to occur if your child is feeling frustrated or confused about the messages you give them.

Plan ahead to avoid tantrum triggers

If you know that your child struggles to sit for long to eat, stay away from restaurants that take a long time to serve. If you know that the toy aisle is a trigger, don’t visit it when you do your shopping. If you know that your child is more likely to have a tantrum when they are tired, make sure you are offering nap times.

Don’t worry about what other people think

This is easier said than done when your child is having a tantrum in a public place after you have set a boundary. It is tempting to ‘give in’, especially if you feel other people are judging you and your child. Keep calm, take a breath and stick to the boundary you have set.

Stay calm

At the height of a tantrum, your child can feel ‘lost’ in what they are experiencing. They will look to you to offer reassurance that you are aware of how they are feeling. Shouting at your child will likely feed into their sense of confusion. Your child is far more likely to be able to hear you if you are calm and in control.

‘Time in’ rather than ‘time out’

Rather than sending your child away to cool down, try staying close. Offer physical comfort and reassurance if they are struggling to manage their emotions.

Praise your child when the tantrum ends

It can be hard to find something to be thankful for when your child has a tantrum. Try offering specific praise to reinforce good choices. For example: “Well done for calming down,” or “Thank you for stopping kicking when you were asked.”

Let them have the tantrum

Sometimes, your attempts to calm your child down might increase the tantrum further. If this is the case, be patient and ignore the behaviour. As long as your child is safe, turn your attention elsewhere. You may find your child follows suit and comes to you to investigate.

Further advice

Visit the NHS website for further guidance on temper tantrums.